Happened This Week

For news you should care about, there is no name in industry more reliable than KhabariLOL. Welcome to this edition of HTW:

School kids in China will be required to salute the all the cars they see on the road, “to keep children safer on the county’s corkscrew mountain roads and to teach manners”. Umm, colour me confused: In a communist country, should masses (pedestrian students) be saluting the rich people (car drivers), or should rich people in cars salute the masses?

Abhishek Bachchan, while planning to host a TV game show, said that he will not be part of a show akin to KBC. Well, there go my plans for “Kaun Banega Lakhpati” (a show perfectly suited for the recession time). But, while we are still here, check out my idea for an awesome new reality show called “Littlle Boss”.

After Maqbool (Macbeth) and Omkara (Othello), Vishal Bharadwaj is planning his next Shakespearean movie. How much are you willing to bet it is called “Harilal”?

Finally, NASA says we are facing an imminent collision between our galaxy and our neighbour, Andromeda galaxy, in next billion years or three. And here’s Felicia Day explaining why Michael Bay will never get to direct that galactic cataclysm movie:


Till next time…

Happened This Week #1

Welcome to the inaugural edition of “Happened This Week”, or as we prefer to call it, HTW. This is where we bring you only the news we care about.

So, without further ado (since we got lots to do), let’s get down to it, shall we?

In literature news, two old classics are back in news.

Author Eoin Colfer of The Artemis Fowl fame, is coming out with the sequel to The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy series by Douglas Adams - “And another thing…”. Given how we like Artemis Fowl books, we are betting our towels that the title doesn’t just refer to ‘and another book’ in the already 5 part trilogy.

Bram Stoker’s great grand-nephew, Dacre Stoker is writing “Dracula the Un-Dead”, sequel to Dracula, based on Bram Stoker’s notes. Insiders strongly denied the rumours that in the book, Count Dracula goes back to Highschool as a teenager and falls in love with a lovely loner.

In sports news (read cricket news, because seriously, who cares for other sports), Champions Trophy is all set to enter the final stages, with 4 teams gearing up for semi-finals. I know, we don’t care either, we just wanted to lengthen the post.

Another cricket news: 100 and 200 metre WR holder, Usain Bolt tried his hand at cricket after a long time, only to get run out (link for baseball fans out there)  on 13. On hearing the news, Dada called our reporters, “And you used to blame me for being slow between the wickets?”


And, that’s it for this HTW edition. Tune in next time for more news we might want to let you know about.

Police raid rant party, end up disgruntled

In a pre-dawn raid, police raided a flat on the outskirts of Pune anticipating a party of dopers. Instead, to their embarassment, all they found was a bunch of mopers in their pyjamas complaining about their life, their spouses, and their bosses.

"We had received a tip-off from sources about a suspicious 'rant party' happening this night. We surrounded the building complex and stormed in, but we did not find anything more than bottles of warm cola and cold pizza. My men were pretty disappointed." said the officer in charge, Inspector Radne. Owner of the house and party-organiser Piloo Fait protested against this police action. "This is an example of the way society treats those who have the moral fibre to complain." "The bitches", he added eloquently.

Sources tell us that the organisers sent out notices via social networking sites like "The Orkut" and by word-of-mouth, inviting people to a party where one could "declaim the iniquities of life without restriction". "We heard some pretty harsh things today", said one participant who wished to remain unnamed. She was later heard complaining that the party was not good enough to even be successfully busted.

It also appears that some of the policemen succumbed to the facilities (which included a personalizable dartboard and punchbags). Injustices in promotions and bandobast beats were aired openly, but off the record. "I am out raiding parties all the time - the fried snacks served there make it impossible to get rid of my paunch. How do superiors expect me to?" asked one constable, sitting on a bean-bag.

Inspector Radne refused to admit the police had made a mistake, slapping a fine on Piloo Fait for playing a Region-2 DVD on a modified Region-5 DVD Player. The police party then left the disgruntled people alone, who settled down to watch episodes of "Grumpy Old Men".

New Coach for Indian Team Announced...

*FLASH NEWS* (Sent by guest editor Silverine)

Mumbai - At a recently concluded Press Conference the Chief of BCCI announced that they have decided on the people who will coach a totally new Indian Cricket Team. The selected people and their designations are given below. It is hoped that the vast experience and expertise of these people will help mold a World Class Indian Cricket Team.

Sachin Tendulkar: Chief Coach
Sourav Ganguly: Assistant Coach
Dhoni: Adviser to Chief Coach
Sreesanth: Adviser to Assistant Coach

Anil Kumble: Chief Bowling Coach
Harbhajan Singh: Assistant to Chief Bowling Coach
Irfan Pathan: Assistant Bowling Coach
Zaheer Khan: Assistant to Assistant Bowling Coach

Yuvraj Singh: Chief Fielding Coach
Dhoni: Assistant Fielding Coach
Munaf Patel: Assistant to Chief Fielding Coach

Rahul Dravid: Chief Batting Coach
Virender Sehwag: Assistant Batting Coach
Dinesh Karthik: Adviser to Chief Batting Coach
Robin Uthapa: Adviser to Assistant Batting Coach

The team selection will be concluded in a couple of years or four, but the appointment of the coaches is immediate. According to inside sources corporates like Frankinn Airhostess School, Achumama School of Charm and Faultless English and Uma Bharti Finishing School have already booked the coaches for endorsements.

According to the BCCI the line-up of new coaches of the next India World Cup squad is deadly enough to give the sponsors good mileage for their money.

When this reporter asked a BCCI official about the probables for the next "Indian World Cup Team" he said quote "Indian Cricket Team? Whatiteez?" unquote.

India's WC Woes Continue

Trinidad - The reporters who attended the press conference of Indian coach Greg Chappell were shocked when the coach stumbled and fell down while indignantly storming out of the room at the end of the conference. They were even more shocked when he started spewing smoke and a speaker fell out of his mouth.

It was later revealed by the witnesses that what they thought to be the coach of Indian cricket team was a robot, which malfunctioned at the end of a particularly emotionally taxing and hard-hitting question-answer session. This revelation throws some light on what many called "scratched-record answers" given by Greg Chappell, as the apparently hastily-prepared robot was found to be programmed to say only phrases like, "That's an inflammatory question", "This is not a time to answer that", "I am not going to comment on that", "We were not good enough" and "The team was under pressure".

But, the reasons behind this "switch" are not clear. Though many attribute this to the depressed Indian coach's reluctance to show his face in public and emotional inability to face the questions, conspiracy theories abound. Based on the new stories coming out of the eve of the Sri Lanka match and the apparent refusal of Chappell to come out on the ground on the match day (which surprised many and at the time was attributed to his nursing an injured finger), some experts are putting the time of the "switch" on the afternoon before the Sri Lanka match. This in their opinion explains the lenient attitude of the coach in the pre-match conference, as well as the controller(/s?)' wish to keep the secret from getting "exposed" in the daylight.

As the rumours that this might be the reason behind India's defeat to Sri Lanka surfaced, the only answer our reporters could get from a call with a metallic-voiced team spokesperson was, "This is an inflammatory question and we are not ready to answer that right now".

MEA To Turn To Porn, Tabloids For Fresh Fodder

New Delhi - Sources in the Ministry of External Affairs (MEA) say that several staffers in the Ministry will soon embark on a new offensive to find things that are offensive in places never noticed before. This new mission will involve going through hundreds of pornographic books, videos and websites to find anything that is offensive to he Indian culture or Indian peoples. They will also be buying all the tabloids available in supermarkets. Once something offensive is detected, the MEA will then register protest over it with the relevant governments or corporations.

This new mission has been launched following the success of offence-taking exercises against a two-bit talentless unknown and unimportant NRI comedian Gautham Prasad, and against the trashy UK TV show Big Brother.

"We have now successfully targeted the seediest reality TV show around, and a comedian previously known to approximately 7 people. It is only logical that we move on to porn and tabloids next." a senior official in the MEA confessed on conditions of anonymity.

Rumours of this offensive have got struggling newcomers in the porn industry excited, as they see in this decision a sure-shot formula for fame. A spokesman for "They See Films", who specialise in voyeur porn with an Indian flavour, said "All of us at 'They See' are very excited about this offensive. We are trying to come up with ways to insult the Indian culture so that we get the kind of publicity that you just can't buy."

This move is also expected to further boost the revenues of 'F.E.G. Inc', a company that specialises in the manufacture and sale of equipment and supplies needed for street protests. 2006 was a record year for company, with revenues up by 1300%. There is also talk of an IPO next month.

The offensive will be formally launched in Indore on February 14, which the government will be naming as "Offence Day", a day to express anger and disgust at everything that insults or goes against Indian culture.

Obscenity Case Filed Against Apsaras

Dec 23, 2006, KLNS

Blogosphere: A case has been filed against Apsaras in Indian mythology, including Menaka, Urvashi and others, under Sections 292 (vulgarity) and 509 (derogatory to women) of the Indian Penal Code. The case cites various instances where they distracted various rishis from their tapasya according to Mahabharata and Ramayana (amongst other historical accounts). The case also cites Vyasa as co-defendant due to his descriptions in Mahabharata of these stories.

The complainant has alleged that women across ages have felt offended after reading the scenes and they also promoted vulgarity in society, especially among the youth. Also, many a women have felt inferior due to the descriptions of the beautiful apsaras given in our mythological literature.

When asked how the court can find the defendants, the complainant said, "Since Vyasa is one of the eight Chiranjiv, there should not be any problem for him to appear in front of court. The same goes for the apsaras." If the defendants do not appear before court on given dates, they may be cited for contempt of court, and a non-bailable arrest warrant can be issued, he added. He also added that he has asked Vyasa to stop using the "Maharshi" epithet due to his role in maligning hindu culture.

Many organisations have shown their whole-hearted support for the complainant, and have expressed their readiness to take up any costs the case might incur. "This case represents a major point in our fight against obscenity in our culture, which promotes vulgarity amongst our children. We are looking forward to winning this case, and there are plans for more such cases in future," the complainant told our Khabarilal.